Katie Über Alles

Degenerate Dating Drama

Wanted.  Someone who gets (or at least can put up with) the life of a poker grinder, but doesn't have a gambling problem.  

In the past week two separate people have asked me when I'm going to start dating, and it's devolved into a conversation about my life and relationships.

Post-divorce and post....whatever-the-hell-that-was, I've done a lot of thinking about this.  It's some thinking I probably should have done two years ago...or more like ten years ago.  I've realized a few pitfalls I've fallen into in the past and I'm determined not to fall in again.  It's been good. 

Most people are really shocked to discover I'm actually a shy person around people I don't know that well.  I suffer from really bad social anxiety in new situations. 

Needless to say, I've never been one to date a ton.  I got married when I was 22 (divorced at 29).  A friend has been trying to get me to do the online dating thing, but I don't know how ready I am to jump into something like that.  Scary.

On top of this, a new problem has recently arisen.  The life of the single, female, degenerate.  Most guys I meet are poker players.  Hell, most people I meet these days are poker players.  I'm not *trying* to date a poker player...(comes with its own issues).  But...I don't know that I have other venues for meeting people.  I'm pretty busy between poker (i.e. work) and school.  I'm on a crazy schedule where I sleep most of the daylight hours away.  Meeting people while playing poker is like...hanging out with coworkers.  :p

Alternatively, most non-poker playing guys I know think it's AWESOME when they first meet me that I play poker to help with the bills.  They want to hear all about the WSOP events I've played in.  This fascination usually lasts only until they figure out that the life of a poker player is not like the bling blang blaow video, or whatever their idea is of professional poker playing.  Seriously, I think they all think it's me just hanging out rolling in money and having fun.  Like I'm Phil Ivey or something.  Anyone who's done low/mid stakes grinding knows that's not it AT ALL.

So after about a week or so, the FASCINATION with my lifestyle wears off and they get really fed up wondering why I'm always in AC (it's like going to the office, definitely not a 24 hour party), why I am never free on weekends (best time to make money), why I'm always asleep during the day...  They get jealous of what they THINK my lifestyle is.  Not to mention the complete and total difference in the way we view money (Yes, it's OK to get $300 in with 21 outs, but that doesn't mean I want to spend an extra $.50 on gas! It's DIFFERENT.)  I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to find someone who understands this lifestyle that isn't a poker player, let alone someone who can put up with it.  And poker isn't something I'm giving up anytime soon, though I would love to start dating again. 

It's lonely out here for a girl poker player.  

So yeah... Wanted.  Someone who gets the life of a poker grinder, but doesn't have a gambling problem.  Someone who gets that I will be in AC working a lot of the time.  Someone who understands why I go on tilt from time to time.  Someone who gets the difference between getting it all in with an OESFD and lighting money on fire on material shit.  On the other hand, someone who wants to watch movies, cuddle on the couch, and rock out to music with me, too. I promise I can talk about things other than poker (I'm actually quite well-rounded)...but it's always gonna be a big part of my life.

Catching up on poker

I've been tracking my play with the iPhone app "poker journal" since March. (Yes, there's an app for that). I first read about it on 2+2, and it's been one of the most valuable pieces of info I've found on that forum. Last year I tried tracking my play through a google docs spreadsheet which quickly became garbage in/ garbage out because who wants to log all the particular details of a really rough session when you first get home? Having tracking on my phone allows me to set everything up when I first sit at the table and keeps me honest. I recently acquired enough data to dump it into excel and do some analysis. What did I find? I'm a far more profitable Omaha player (both limit and pot limit) than NLHE. I'm a winning NLHE player, to be sure, but I make much more consistent money (and more money per average session) at Omaha. Too bad it's frequently hard to find good live Omaha games. The good news is with one exception at the beginning of my tracking, I've been in the black all year. Too bad all of that money has gone to bills.

Next up: recap of past 24 hrs in AC. If you follow me on Twitter, you can skip this section. ;) Sat down at pink O8 at the Borgata. It was a very juicy table. Nonetheless, I quickly found myself down $100 due to flopping second nuts full house and having my low counterfeited on the river. In a three way pot, I gets Nunavut. However, I clawed my way back and netted +150 that session, putting me at +100 for the day after I dropped $50 really quickly at NLHE.

Most of the fish busted from the pink game after that, so I left to go check in at Harrahs. I wish I could just move in to one of their waterfront tower rooms. Went downstairs to play some NLHE...I was SUPER card dead for 2-3 hrs. Then had "one player to a hand" violated when I had quads against top full which cost me $150. Still, I perservered. I pulled off a great all-in river bluff around hour 3 against the guy who told me two hours earlier that girls never bluff. Did not show it because I just don't think showing the bluff is a +ev move for my style of play. Around hour 4.5, I FINALLY doubled up with AA>JJ on 8 high flop. Soon after I was outta there to get some sleep.

Also of note: borgata changed their cards to some fugly Gemacos last week. The shade of red is very dark (cause of the infamous "I have a flush...oh wait I don't" incident at the Tropicana in 2006, the cards are stiff, and the face cards are ridiculously ugly. But they supposedly work better in the autoshufflers.

Harrahs also changed their cards last week but they are the "nicer" Gemacos. Very flexible and no ugly face cards. However, they are no longer superindex. (and then the peasants rejoiced!) I hate superindex cards for Holdem.

Woke up feeling good. Gonna take a long shower, get some food, and hit the tables again hoping for some more winning sessions.

Recovering from Life Tilt

I allowed myself to get frustrated and tilty at some personal stuff on Monday night.  I told myself after I got it together and left the table that I was on poker time-out til next Monday, to prevent myself from doing anything stupid, like angry poker.  Angry poker is bad news.  Angry poker makes my bank account cry. 

So, I haven't played in a week.  It's been hard...especially since I've been in NJ for the past few days visiting with my sister.  And it was a holiday weekend and I know lots of fish were in AC.  But I know it's the right thing to do.  There is absolutely no point in playing on tilt.  I'm feeling refreshed and ready to get back to my game.

The weekend in NJ with John and Sarah has been great.  We've gone shopping in the cute little town that she and John work in.  We went to an Agatha Christie play.  We've bummed around drinking beer and watching football.  It's been very nice. 

I have a room that I booked ages ago at Harrah's Monday-Wednesday.  I'm very much looking forward to my return to poker.  Please, poker gods, let me run at least averagely.  :)

Best Comment of the Week

Because Dawn Summers is #legendary, and imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I'm going to steal her idea of best Tweet/Comment of the week.

Though the week is not yet over, sorry peeps, voting is closed.  Yesterday I noted on facebook that I had just passed a farm in rural PA called "Half Ass Farm."  Without missing a beat @andrewtappan responded: "Are you at the intersection of North, South, and East Capitol Streets?" HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Classic, sir.  Well played.

Random trip to Gettysburg

Excuse my maudlin nature earlier in the week.  Soon after, I pulled myself out of slump with the assistance of some friends.  I was also reminded of my own catchphrase: it could always be worse.  Indeed.  I have my health; I'm smart; I have awesome family and friends... everything else is just not worth worrying about (says the natural born worrier).

So, yesterday I felt the need to get out of the house.  If you know me, you know I am prone to boredom and love to take little random trips.  I'll wake up in the morning and think "I should drive to Cleveland to go see the RNR HOF!"  It's one of my charming quirks.  ;)

Ever since Al, Jen, and Dan came to DC for poker week at the end of July, I've been thinking I should really get downtown and see the new Newseum.  I also have a list of things that have somehow eluded me seeing them in the 13+ years I've lived here.  Did I do either one of those?  No, I decided to go to Gettysburg instead.  

I'm a Civil War buff and I have been since like 8th grade (here is where Billy would sing the nerd song, LOL).  I've been to every major Civil War battlefield at least once, and a lot of Revolutionary ones too (thank you traveling to random places for work!).  The last time I was at Gettysburg was on my high school senior class trip though, so I thought I'd give it another go.  It's actually not far at all from MD...I got there in about 1.5 hours.  I packed a picnic, put my convertible roof down, and set off to PA for the day.

First off, I was surprised by how crowded it was on a random Thursday in October.  It was me and all the retirees, but I had to park in the third overflow parking lot.  They have a new visitors center which is really nice, including a new movie with Sam Waterston and Morgan Freeman and a new set up for the cyclorama, which is really amazing.

Then I picked up the self-tour audio cds and set about driving all over the battlefield.  What a great way to spend a few hours on a gorgeous fall afternoon.  Recommended.  If you do the self-drive, make sure you get out, especially at Devil's Den and Little Roundtop.  The views of the PA countryside were amazing.

Next up on my fall random trips list: Appomattox, Skyline Drive, Monticello (which amazingly I have never been to before!)

My Week So Far (self pity edition)

1) I'm having trouble finding someone to be my replacement adviser at school which means

2) I may be out of a job in December

3) At which point my $18k student loan will come due.

4) Been looking for jobs and applying to 2-3 every day for a month.  I haven't gotten a single phone call yet.

5) Divorce agreement is all but Court approved...bringing all kinds of issues like "is he the only one who will ever love me" to the fore.

6) Icing on the cake: ex-friend and his girlfriend are Tweeting about how I am bad in bed. 

I don't think I'm going to get out of bed today.  :/

Epiphany

Today I realized just how messed up my head has been for the past year or so.  Wow...divorce = so not a good place.  Good news: I'm on road to recovery from past year.  Making progress.  Thanks to my friends and family for being there for me and helping me work my way out of my own mental fetters and reinforced insecurities.  Thanks for helping me to see the light and the true state of the world.

Starting to remember that you have to be there for yourself first, before you can be there for anyone else.  In the event of an emergency, please place your own mask before assisting children!

Gun Shy

Have you ever had such a colossal error of judgment that it leaves you wondering if you ever had any good judgment in the first place?  In poker, I equate this feeling to have a really long streak of running poorly, such that it causes you to question everything you do and just feel like you forgot how to play.  Maybe you even do forget how to play for a bit.

I've felt that way recently.  Lots of people say "you'll learn from the experience," but I find myself wondering how I can learn from it, if I was dumb enough to be taken in so completely in the first place.  Who's to say I won't be a complete sucker in the future when I didn't even realize that I was being such a sucker to begin with?  In fact, I have to kind of believe that I will feel like (be) a complete sucker in the future since I obviously saw no warning signs of how duped I was.  This error of judgment has me walking around on egg shells recently, afraid to do much of anything for finding myself in the same position again...leaving me with even bigger trust issues than I already had.  Is putting your trust in anyone a sucker bet?  Yeah, I kinda feel like it is.  [As an aside: Strangely enough, the list of people I'd currently trust with my life includes my ex-husband.  Go figure.  (See, perhaps there's that sucker thing again).]

So world, I'm gonna play the game of life like scared money for a little bit.  Til I remember that I know how to play this game and get some confidence back.  Best way to do that?  Booking a solid W.  Gonna try to work on that one.  One life win, please. 

From the file of "case in point"

A male friend of mine started the conversation by telling me how men are stupid, and I should stay away from them if I value my sanity.  And then he proceeded to hit on me. 

I can feel the hamster running in my head

What do I want?  This is a very good question.  Someone asked me this recently and I have no idea (well, I have a macro idea, but not a micro idea...that is, I know what I want, big-picture wise, but on the specifics, ya got me).  I know what I feel that I want, but then I wonder if the reason I want that is due to a current lack of security, feeling of rejection, sense of total loneliness.  I wonder if the reason I want that is the nostalgia trap, and remembering the good without the bad. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder...myself into circles.

To late to turn back now, regardless of what I want, so, might as well look forward.